Here I am. This is me.
Define blue.
<-- edited 1st May 2004 2229>
--- shin wrote :
> was suddenly thinking bout driving to cameron and work for free at the strawberry
> farm for a few days. just to be there around fresh air and morning dew, quietly read
> some books, figure out the purpose of life, feel the touch of fresh plants and wet dark
> soil. no need hotel, just use their god-willing toilet and sleep in the car. or else just
> bunk in at the local church.
> then having the thoughts that i alone are into such senseless stuff, i changed my
> mind and decided to stay at home and sleep. (then again, if u dun see me on sunday,
> i had probably, again, changed my mind).
> (just another stupid thoughts which goes through ur head when life gets really bored.)
--- phin wrote :
> I like to act without planning, something which you plan long time ago also cannot
> make it, y make myself suffer, want to do , just do it!
> REALISTIC IS ALWAYS CRUEL THAN WHAT YOU THINK.
--- shin wrote :
> sometimes doing things withuot much thoughts is exhilarating. but im usually much
> a person who plans ahead for things i wanted. how's everything getting?
> btw. im still here.
> (realistic is just being itself, it's hope that gave it a bad impression.)
tired. and bored.
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"maybe it was a mistake coming down from the trees, some say it's even a bigger mistake to have left the waters."
watched the hongkong police film "PTU" last night, talks bout police practises, looking out on each other's back, "persuasions", and brutality. If cops are a higher defined individuals with better judgement and set of moral values, they should be given rights to kick anyone's ass with or without a proper reason. but the cops here are just plain crooked, without even the effort to disguise themselves. basically legal criminal in sense of law.
the fuck who banged my car has decided to get away with it, ignoring my calls and such. it has, by far, tested my patience, taking opportunities on my consideration and goodwill. i tried playing nice, too bad he wanted it the other way round. i think we have enough info to get back to him making his life more miserable than he would have ever expected. it's lucky you have friends who specialize in handling such circumstances (thanks in advance guys).
"oh my good lord, you guys should checkout Gmail. The "star" and "filter" functions which comes with it are really useful."
monday morning. the office seems unusually cold today without work on que, infact, this has been the first "official" rest we've got since a few months back. we'll be expecting a week long slacking having denver to be common in delaying its feedback (while waiting for the announcement of increment). which is good considering the other projects i have on hands.
every inch of my muscles ache, after having a badminton game followed by intenssive swimming. now my tights and buns feels like they've just been expanded two folds. my friend wasnt fit for swimming, so i went all the way meeting lilian at the bukit jalil aquatic center. mental note to self : never try being cocky and race with a lean sexy hot swimmer.
"our employees are our greatest asset, i say we sell them."
nothing poetic. i was folding my cleaned cloths which i wore on the island trip, fresh from drying (yes, it was dried, then soaked by rain, dried, soaked...). It seems what came back with me are more than just memories alone, grains of sand were found strayed in numerous pockets, and as i was folding the cloths it lands and gathers on my mattress. I later brush them into a small pile enough to fill a small bottle. had i otherwise overlook the matter, i would wake up the next morning wondering if sandman was actually here.
i thought washing machines takes care of everything. remind myself to clear pocket inside out after lying on the beach.
****
a sad friend called, just to talk she said. for some reasons im a frequent target for sad people, maybe im a sensitive person, maybe i listen more than i speak and nods in agreement even though you're wrong, maybe im more pathetic and in talking to me actually makes them feel better bout themselves, or maybe im just easily available. ironically i dun seems to be good at consoling people much (especially with the habit of making stupid comments/suggestion), i sort of went all-dumb when girls started crying, i can never hold them when they do, be it having them on the other end of a phone or im not in a position to do so. i hope they dun end up feeling more miserable after calling.
but trust me when i say this "you deserve better, it's alright to be sad (had any who really loved and never feel sad?), in the end you'll still have to stand up, fuck picking up the broken pieces (just get a new one). hope is a good thing, maybe even the best of things... you know there's time when we give up and let go only to find greater things waiting around the corner and we wonder why hadnt we done so earlier? don't put yourself down for people who dont appreciate you, pity his stupidity in giving up the world. get a good book, watch a movie, play a good sport, get a nice bath and drink jasmine tea, it helps". take care.
(damn, i hate seeing good people being sad. one in particular more than the rest.)
i thought i needed a break from life and from there everything would be alright. Life was good, then i came home finding myself in the same piece of shit i left. again life has got itself into the same bloody mess. shit doesnt cleans itself up automagically.
made enough phone calls and bumps into enough stupid people, im now standing at the edge about to break. i think life will be much easier if me or my dad is filthy rich, so instead of going through the trouble trying to get my car fixed and wondering if the fella's gonna pay for it, i could just say "ah, fuck it. let's just replace the damn thing with an evo7 exhaust. il even thrown in an extra grand if u finish it by today". easy.
even at these bad moments i have work on and off office persuing my ass. fk.
Stephanie Sun YanZi just got married. arrrgggghhhh~~~~!!!! (scream trailing off...)
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(takes a sip of chrysanthemum tea)
... arrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~~~~!!!!!
FYI, these are the promotion pics of the game Ragnarok Online, whom she happens to be the spoke person of. And also to add that her real boyfriend looks much uglier than mr clean guy here... ;)
from phin. ;)
> FW: blonde n a lawyer
>
> A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight
> from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun
> game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely
> declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The
> lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of
> fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
> the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa. "Again, she
> declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated,
> says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and
> if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This
> catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no
> end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
> The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from
> the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches
> into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the
> lawyer.
> Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes
> up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The
> lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all
> his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his
> modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no
> answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and
> coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and
> hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back
> to get some more sleep.
> The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde
> and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde
> reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to
> sleep.
seems nobody missed me. :(
alright im back to haunt everyone. im glad to say that i had a enjoyable trip... the sea was in its best blue, the skies clear and the wind blows my way, i had good company and i had good fun... nothing gets better than that.
sharks : [found]
turtles : [found]
dolphins : [missing]
if anyone paid enough attention, they'll notice my head darting here and there scanning the horizon whenever we were on a boat ride, was hoping that the dolphins will actually drop by and say hi. but they were probably too busy feasting the squids somewhere far, or building their space ship to leave this planet before the construction of intergalactic highway took place.
im much too lazy to write long stories of this recent adventure. infact, il just post a series of keywords and you'll have to linked them up as creative as you could. so here goes : pwtc, bus broke down, jertih, besut, awana, perhentian kecil, bubu resort, snokering, sharks, lunch cocohut, turtles, nude sun bathers, dinner, pub, nori san, redang, more more tea, marine park, sunken ship, lang tengah, strange eagle, sunset walk, awi and the beachboys, BBQ, flamedance, vodka, sharring with phin, had her cryin again (it worries me), annoying bartender, sleep, dawn, beach sport, souvenier, leave, arrive shore, caught smuggling shell, resting at harbor, 2000 bus, soymilk, home.
pictures here.
seems that i had been looking forward for this trip for far too long and now ive gone thru it, i begin to wonder what's left to be looking forward to. strange feeling of void in a sudden. :) i hope i fill it up with something before things started caving in again.
oh, and phin just got her work confirmation today. congrates, girl. i pray that you'll always have love and hapiness around you. even at a point where everything does goes wrong, when u turn around you'll still see me standing here for you (and if i wasnt, i probably went to the toilet).
"i believe everything is possible" she told me. agree, perhaps hope is the next best thing a man could have.
im off to the islands. c u guys next week.
aloha.
call me if there's anything u wanted to tell the dolphins...
Listen to the waves...
during Easter celebration, i was playing the roman legionaire during the crucifixion of jesus. my task : to beat/kick/whip/mock the person who carries the wooden cross. Thank god the whole thing went smoothly (the play i mean). and after the worship session, the kid whom i squatted together earlier reading his canine photobook with my romanic armor on, came and thank me for the good play. which was weird, coz all i did is just beat/kick/whip/mocking. maybe im naturally a bloody good legionaire. and kids likes space suits looking armors.
yesterday on my way to work my car was banged from the back by a stupid kancil driven by a familiar looking kedah fella, shit. We were doing like mere 60 over LDP and suddenly the row of cars emergency brakes. i managed to stop in time, but when i turn around continue talking to sow and in that split seconds of delay we felt a earth shaking crash on our car. It seems the fella next in line is either 1. day dreaming, 2. tailed too close and brakes too late or 3. his brakes's not functioning well. Again this is another case where stupid people gets into my way. The fella opt for a personnal settlement, drove the car for repair in cheras as most the repair shops in PJ is known dodgy. This kinda troubles me too having my car in a distant place im not familiar with with no gurantees other than a few stranger's "word" over a verbal contract. The car will have to stay a week at the workshop, it's not much the cost for repairs (coz the other party is paying every penny) but rather inflicted a harsh blow to ur accident-proof confident driving and the condition of the car would always seems defected no matter how much is spent restoring it back to initial status. got me into a foul mood whole day long. My first major accident, traumatic, lucky i had sow with me that time and with his extensive experience involving accidents and list of friends who does that in a regular basis, we manage to get things moving without obstructing the traffic or getting too much public attention. saluta to fat guy and friends~!
another point to worry about when im vacationing on the islands. like it or not, shit turns up to ruin ur holiday.
note to self : tune driving style
"blink 182 - i miss you"
despite my bad flu, sore throat, lack of sleep and depressing mood, i managed to drag myself to mid valley today accompanyin another depressing friend whom i kinda enjoy being with lately, i warned her two depressing people getting together might end up with a fist fight and when that does happen i promise to give her a few free shots but there's no gurantee i wont hit her back :D. despite her super female shopping gene (which if planted into soldiers they could do patrol every night without rest and navigates without map/gps in vietnam jungle looking/comparing best selection of bamboo shoots), kinda enjoy shopping with her as i could use some insight and advice on gifts and girly stuffs. amazingly, this saturday no long que in banks, and the traffic/parking werent too bad. i actually arrive an hour early, spent some time checking out the pet store again, lilian was getting a haircut so after the dogs and cats were bored with my pressence having decided that i wasnt gonna liberate them today, i went to buy some tshirts(*) while mingling with the scuba diving shop people.
when i was done lilian was waiting for me at big Mc sign and she does look good in her new china doll look. we then spend the next few hours looking for my sandals while she pick up her tinkers here and there on the way. Later we were interupted by a young guy doing charity donations for tmn megah gifted children center, i insist on making a donation coz i dun need another air freshener, while lilian just play getting along with it. so when he was signing a receipt he turned to lilian for name asking "mis... Mrs, name?", lilian had that look on her face upon hearing that and i just couldnt stop laughing, "MISS. Lilian", then the guy turn to me while im still catching my breathe "just sim, MR sim"... maybe the guy had lilian labled Mrs for some apparent reasons, which is for 1. one, she looks matured/"obasan", 2. she looks older than i do with me being a mature looking brother so she must have got married, 3. the guy just thought we were married (or trying to suck it up pleasing me i got a beutiful wife), or 4. (which is the one lilian's insisting) is the periwrinkle blue shirt she's wearing. ;)
she just couldnt stop getting back to the "Mrs" topic later throughout the day grasping in disbelief, i tried dragging her back to the charity guy just for fun asking him how old do he thinks she is but she just wont risk having another cut in her pride :D. Then i bump into my church friend whom, she said, has noticed me for quite a while (which scares ze bejesus out of me). oh well, im used to the fact that whenever im with a hot chick, the person would 1. either be my gf or 2. someone im going after, else if result!=(1||2) then "im gay". under such circumstances i dun like explaining things too much, there's gonna be some strange looks or whisper around these people for the few weeks to come im sure... for chirst's sake im still mourning in my sorrows damnit #$@$$%...
oh, and good belated friday, and happy upcoming easter everyone.
"were you thinking of me when you're looking for yourself out there..."
what's the meaning of life?
to serve the Creator and his purpose? then we are really going through a lot of unneccesary, irrelevant troubles just to achieve that. Worst is he who goes around trying to please everyone he came across and be good in everything he's at, having it in the end, realise that he has done nothing with the cost of effort spent.
i spend some time in the morning pestering everyone i could get my hands on with the question "what's the purpose of life".
1. first guy says there's no purpose, no end game.
2. the second one came back saying she doesnt know that herself.
3. third one thinks it's doing things which makes you satisfied (which is quite reasonable in a non-religious way of thinking)
4. fourth one just gave me a long list of googled websites on "the meaning of life" (wow. geek. ;))
5. fifth guy says "wahh... so deep one ar" (and try typing something numerous times before deleting it again, he's as lost as i am, or so i just made him realise that)
6. sixth person says "OMG~~!! what's wrong with you?? u need me to order ur colleague to give u a blow ar?"
.....
27. twenty-seventh person said the purpose of life is for us to suffer (now this is getting somewhere), picture greek gods making fun of us mortals, we're just mere objects of entertainment (she must have hate life alot).
.....
235. the 235th person says "coffee?"
(maybe life failed to prove itself having to live amongst a bunch of very strange people)
so what's the meaning of life? please drop me a line when you come across the answer one day. looks like the only trick out of this meaningless depression is getting filthy rich, or sex. (correction : filthy rich AND sex). I sure got an awful lot of question for Him at the end of the day.
and the jasmine tea bag sure turns tasteless after two cups.
(dun bother. just another day you woke up at the wrong side of the bed.)
"train - drops of jupiter"
got this from lilian. ;)
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice, and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have no money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have money and thank God are straight, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW...WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?!?!
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."
strange for this to come from a guy, at least we're honest on ourselves (disclaimer : not the gay part).
back in secondary i used to listen to music alot, english and mandarin alike, whenever i go there was always my loyal panasonic walkman with me : attending classes, library, outdoor, long distance cycling... and my room was always littered with drained AA batteries (when you gather enough and lined them up in boxes they kinda look like shotgun shells). it was ze best moment during secondary hiding in the airconditioned study on a monsoon raining morning revising for spm while listenning to enya with headphones on, where the big window to the east opens up to a wide vegi plantation field and at de rear was rubber estates and kampungs, having the green intensified by wet rain and grey skies... also the cold touch of wet wood/earth/stone, sound of raindrops from the drain, and birds/small animals which stranded/visits our yard. i miss my study, my desk, perfumed letters before email came in, patrict teoh's midnight magic, salvage-fabric sewn up blankets, 286 machine, pctools, milo+coffee mix, my watercolor set/brushes/canvas and some few particular people...
back then there werent so many people who's into new age, alternative or china rock (and back from the community i came from, ppl doesnt use "fuck" or "bitch" either), so me and and brother basically think it's a "different" degree of taste listenning to such outcast trend so we could spell strange names during group events to those boy-band fans who havent a single idea of what you're talking bout. so that was cool.
there's alot of good songs those days. which sometimes u still hear it on radio and your mind just goes back to that day that age that place doing whatever you were doing then. i spent alot of times doing alot of things, and those songs really reminds me of those happier younger days we had. nostalgic, i miss the constant time spent on beaches, for annual dinners, gatherings, soccer game, astronomy/shooting stars or just mere enjoying the breeze.
which is good, reminding myself the things i did, the people i met, helping me along the way in getting this far. (salute)
(shin thanks (in no priority order):
1. 張洪量
2. 羅大佑
3. 艾敬
4. 黑豹
5. 太極
6. 優客李林
7. 趙傳
8. enya
9. nirvana
10. gun and roses
11. deaf leopard
12. bon jovi
13. greenday
14. smashing pumpkins
15. extreme
16. soul asylum
17. radiohead
18. ... and all those anonymous/forgotten 中國搖滾 (china rock) band.
thank you for the music. (also in remembrance of kurt cobain 1967 - 1994))
jupiter thunder
i never knew the west coast has serious monsoon of its own. Im finding myself coming home late thru a storm quite frequent lately, and once the rain starting to fall, the traffic gets bad, and drivers just switch to auto hostile/stupid mode (which makes traffic even worst). Today im seeing the worst storm of all weeks, im talking bout the skies getting clouded with multiple layers of solid black clouds as far as eyes could reach, mist started forming hanging lowly close to ground, unknow vapour rises up to the sky in large column, winds blowing in all curves and directions causing small circular swirling motions to lighter objects all over, gust churning the oily layers of clouds into what seemingly convincing shape of a conceiving tornado, lightning flashes vertically and horizontally across horizon of all sides, and your cellphone communication are being badly disrupt. yes, it's that bad, and that's just the prelude of greater epic to come.
moments later rain started beating into the car windscreen in such a momentum and sound we're wondering if the fiber glass might hold. the volume of water sprayed from the skies is like a water hose literaly blinding our sight with shades of grey. When i was home, sow called and said it was raining rocks (fk, i hope the guy isnt hiding liquer in his car without sharing it), hail here in malaysia? c'mon?!
***
it seems the local tv channels took a keen interest on scary movies lately. after the two ju-on(s), ntv7 was showing Event Horizon while tv3 playing Inner Sense at the same time. I was convinced of a quite reputable scare factor in Event Horizon thru words of mouth, yet the reknowned malaysia cencorshipboard and stupid ntv7 kept going into commercial almost every 7min (yes, i counted) really screws up the mood. hmmm, sci-fi horror flick, could be better. my friend was watchin Inner Sense instead so maybe we could trade stories on next meeting.
"train - drops of jupiter"
Sous le soleil, toutes choses doivent finir un jour (Under the sun, all things must finish one day).
church. nowadays one of the most obvious behavior amongst the members is the emphasis on relationship, tollerance and goodwill. Forgiveness and love is in the teaching but this, however, has lead to a serious defect in ability to reasons, utter lack of responsibility and inefficiency to deliver results in many young individuals. im not always such a good person when it comes to someone troubling myself causing problems for me delivering my task repeatedly with lack of effort or backing away from promises. sometimes, i wish i could just shout 'fuck' right in their faces.
have to accept the fact that two/third of a living person in this world falls under such category, and it's an unavoidable colission to be managing such people one day. that greatness of tollerance, forgiveness and love, which i will have to learn still.
for the time being, im better off telling them to take a hike and go fk themselves.
All things seem for you, because of, and less than.
...it could never go any less further without. *sigh
"Johnny Mercer - moon river" (breakfast at tiffany's)
Sow has told me bout this Centarsia program, which, takes hold of a picture and try reconstructing the colour resemblance with hundreds of other images.
here's the comparison..
original
mosaic-ed
the end result wasnt that pretty i know, it would look much nicer if i would send a postcard to the author and then he'll send an activation code which enables running with more than 400 mosaic image (thus, more accurate definition). maybe il make a poster of my friend then. girls are easily impressed by these kinda gimmick. adding the "every bits of myself reminds me of you." line to deliver the kill. ;) ho ho ho...
every tiny near-pixel block you see is actually a photo i've taken, doesnt that mean something?
another email i got today, from lilian...
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes... (You MUST read out loud)
(But be careful - Diversity in the work place and all that - . )
1. That's not right .............................. .Sum Ting Wong
2. Are you harboring a fugitive? ....................Hu Yu Hai Ding
3. See me ASAP ......................................Kum Hia Nao
4. Stupid Man .......................................Dum Fuk
5. Small Horse ......................................Tai Ni Po Ni
6. Did you go to the beach? .........................Wai Yu So Tan
7. I bumped into a coffee table .....................Ai Bang My Fa Kin Ni
8. I think you need a face lift .....................Chin Tu Fat
9. It's very dark in here ...........................Wao So Dim
10. I thought you were on a diet .....................Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11. This is a tow away zone ..........................No Pah King
12. Our meeting is scheduled for next week ...........Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13. Staying out of site...! ..........................Lei Ying Lo
14. He's cleaning his automobile .....................Wa Shing Ka
15. Your body odor is offensive ......................Yu Stin Ki Pu
16. Great ............................................Fu Kin Su Pah
funny. ;)
So far till now, no one has yet tried to play any pranks on me (maybe it's my tendancy of getting pissed off real quick and resolving to violence, OR maybe they figured im afterall without a sense of humour), except for one ol friend who mailed in saying he's getting married... but i dun buy that crap, probably not after him having to try that for a couple of times.
it's strange that today i felt like going out, obligated to play some pranks on someone, just to run along with the line of event. Like having to attend those society conscious talks, you have to pretend you are interested wheres your purpose being there is to see if they are giving out free muffins. Just to go around letting people aware that (despite your constant "this is not perfect and im not pleased" glare, "you're standing in my path" cursing and shouting for command) you are not such an uptight person at all.
still, even on this day, i wonder how will/should i take it if my friend came to me saying she's pregnant or she's getting married... (scary. better not talk to anyone today).
The perhentian/redang/lang tengah trip is but another two weeks to come, this has been prepared and looking forward to for at least since half a year ago. Deep within im expecting something from this trip, which if gone hay wired, my life could end abruptly having the last hint of hope diminished into thin air.
Lynnzter and her dragon, in redang
oh yea, and of coz there's also the email tech lead just sent in reminding the team of tomorrow's due date... we just take it as a funny joke as how it is.
